Revelations

Long conversation with Hawk today. I learned a lot about myself.
I realized that he isn't the "end-all, be-all" I was trying to make him be. He is an addiction, he is a place that I go every few months for a "fix" when my train of thought starts going down that darker track...
I realized that I will never be as open with anyone as I was with him... Not even with him again. He hurt me too bad... He built that wall around my heart... No one will ever get that close again...
I realized, also, that no one man will ever be all that I need someone to be... And yes, I am not trying to make my happiness come from someone else... I just don't think there is a man out there that can be who I need... Jeff is damn close. Yet I still need that touch of darkness every few months... And who better for that than Hawk? Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that all D/s relationships are dark, or evil. Just that anyone who even gets close to knowing the real Hawk plays with the dark side.
Yes, I still love him, and I do wish I could be the one he could love completely. I have seen him love completely before. She is the reason it will never happen again. We are dependent on each other for certain physical and intellectual needs... Period. Friends, yes, that too. Nothing more. If he ever needed me, I would always be there, doing whatever it took to help him out. But it is not a love affair. That is never going to happen.
I could give him up, if Jeff ever got a divorce, I would give up Hawk. Some of us have the ability to lock certain doors in our minds, never to reopen them. I could close that door forever, no problem. There is no reason to do it now, though. Being with Hawk is as close to selling my soul to the devil as I want to get. It is very close. Hawk is an adrenaline rush.